This sounds familiar

Yesterday, we spent another long day together. It had rained the night before, a night that he spent at my place, and the sun had come out to reveal one of those beautiful, fresh post-storm days. We went to brunch and walked along an outdoor promenade for most of the afternoon and spent a lot of time chatting and window shopping. He seemed happy and at ease. He wanted my opinion on things he was buying, he took my hand in his as we strolled along, and we laughed a lot and swapped all kinds of stories. Later, we spent more time at my apartment and went to dinner, and when he finally drove home after midnight, I realized I hadn’t even been tempted to ask him about the weird talk we had before his trip. Lynn would have been proud. Maybe it had only been a momentary freak-out after all.

Looking back, I have been careful to take things as they come. I’ve let him set the pace of our relationship, but he hasn’t seemed hesitant to push things along. He was the one who first suggested we not see other people, he always wanted me to stay the night at his place or to stay over at mine, and about a week before he left on his last trip, he even surprised me by suggesting we plan a weekend getaway sometime. The weird talk has been the only anomaly.

I spent most of today running errands. We were trading the occasional text message, as usual, and when I was checking out at the grocery store, I got one from him that mentioned he was feeling kind of down. I asked him what he was feeling down about and crossed my fingers that it had nothing to do with me. Then, on the way home, I finally got his reply. It said:

“I still feel weird about us. It’s the reason I’m sort of holding back/distant.”

I actually cursed out loud in my car when I read that, which, though uncharacteristic of me, felt like the appropriate response. I couldn’t believe it. Those words were just so frustrating the second time around. I asked him what was so weird, and he said though it was originally the immediate closeness we both felt, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, now he just feels like something’s not right. He can’t pin down what that “something” is.

I wasn’t happy about getting the exact same vague answer a month after the first one. I told him it would have been nice if he had brought all this up in person. I said all the hesitation on his part was making me feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I told him I hope he figures this out soon because if the “weird” feeling means he doesn’t think things will work out, I need to know sooner rather than later. And I said for what it’s worth, I like him a lot and think we have a good thing going, but I hope he can make up his mind about me.

He said he was trying to figure things out. He said he likes me, too, and thinks he’s lucky to have found me, but he’s also pretty confused. He said he’ll try not to drag things out but also doesn’t want to be stupid or rash.

I think it might be a little late to avoid the stupid part, but I could just be saying that because I’m still mad.