B-o-r-e-d

I’ve been pretty good about staying busy this past month, but when I got out of work on Friday, I realized I didn’t have any weekend plans until Sunday. No biggie, right? I stayed in Friday night, cooked myself dinner, and took it easy. I was a little restless and a little down about having no plans, but it wasn’t too bad. The next morning, I slept in, got ready, and then … didn’t know what to do with myself. I drove to a bookstore and aimlessly browsed for a bit, which didn’t keep me entertained as long as I’d hoped, and then randomly decided to go to the grocery store even though I wasn’t in desperate need of groceries. After buying some miscellaneous items, I debated going to a movie by myself, but in the end decided that would probably make me feel even more pathetic than just going back home. So home I went.

Yeah, it wasn’t the greatest.

When I was in a relationship, I really valued these days when I had no plans. Days when I could just relax and spend time with that other person, going out whenever and wherever we wanted together without having to stick to any schedule or agenda. It’s funny how different all that free time feels now that I’m alone. Maybe it’s just something I have to get used to. Maybe I need to find a hobby.

My mom called around 10 p.m. to check in on me, and she sounded less than thrilled to hear that I spent my Saturday running a few errands and then watching half a season of “30 Rock” on Netflix streaming. She again asked me, “Did you update your Facebook?” (a.k.a. “Haven’t you told everyone you’re single? Why aren’t you out meeting people?”) She seems to think that through the magic of social networking, all I have to do is change my status to single and people will start knocking at my door. Oh, if only it were that easy. On the other hand, holing up in my apartment isn’t exactly helping matters, either.

Note to self: I need to get out more.

Decisions, decisions

It's been really slow at work lately. All of these idle hours (which we have to track) make me worried that one of the three people in my group might eventually be let go. And if I think being single is scary, I can only imagine how freaked out I would be if I were single and jobless. Still, I'm trying not to worry. I'll cross that bridge if/when I get to it.

Part of me thinks getting laid off might even be a good thing. I don't particularly enjoy what I'm doing anyway, and perhaps having a drastic change forced upon me would help propel me in another direction. My problem has always been that I know I don't want to keep working in my current role, but I can't figure out what I do want to do. My indecision leaves me stagnant; I keep doing what I know because choosing a completely new career path and starting over sounds like too daunting a prospect.

A friend of mine who is also bored with her job has recently decided to go back to school for her MBA. She's trying to convince me to do the same, a suggestion that my parents have also been throwing my way for years, but I'm not really convinced it would be worthwhile. If I have no idea what I want to do now, how is spending three years and $80k on an additional degree going to help me figure it out? Is more education always the answer? Am I even interested in coursework about corporate finance and strategic leadership? My first instinct is to say no. Now how in the world do I figure out what kind of opportunity I'd say yes to?

Amazon thinks I need a lot of help

It seems like a bunch of people have been breaking up lately. (There must be something going around.) A coworker who just got dumped heard about my recent breakup and insisted I pick up It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken, a book by the author of He's Just Not That Into You. I've never been one to read self-help or relationship books, but I figured it couldn't hurt. I downloaded it on my Kindle and read the whole thing in one evening. The book was actually pretty funny in parts, and it was also really interesting to read about women who hadn't been able to move on after a breakup or who had done completely crazy things to try to win back or get revenge on the people who broke their hearts. As depressing as my last couple of post have been, at least I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not that far gone.

As a result of this recent book purchase, Amazon.com has been recommending the most hilarious titles. Things like Why Men Love Bitches, Why Men Marry Bitches (by the way, who would have thought that was a series?), You Lost Him at Hello, The MANual, Man Magnet, and Don't Call That Man! Amazon apparently thinks I am a lonely woman on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Fear not, Amazon, I'm just someone who's a little down and out.

One of the book's recommendations to help you feel better is that you should dress up and go out knowing you look great. I admit I've been in a "I'd wear my pajamas to work if I could" mood, so I was determined to pick something amazing to wear to the office today. Of course, then I woke up late this morning and thought, screw it. But hey, there's always next week.

Feeling the void

I'm not used to living alone. In college, I shared an apartment with a friend who was so codependent, she threatened suicide when I wanted to move out. Her many crazy antics during the two years we lived together left their mark on me and put me off the idea of roommates forever. So when my boyfriend and I broke up, I didn't know exactly what the future would hold, but I did know that I would be living alone.

There are upsides, of course. I can cook whatever I want without worrying about what someone else feels like eating. I can monopolize the TV and watch Bridget Jones's Diary whenever I feel like it (which is often). I can be as neat or as messy as I want and nobody else is around to pass judgment. However, it feels strange to not have anyone to come home to. There's nobody there to ask how my day was, and if it was bad, to be ready with a sympathetic ear and a comforting embrace. There's nobody there to joke around with or discuss an episode of Lost with, nobody there to help me lift heavy items or kill invading spiders. I miss knowing that a special someone would always be there for me. I miss feeling needed, loved and appreciated by someone. I miss a lot of things.

I find myself coping in typical ways. I'm eating way too much junk food (it's amazing how much comfort a warm batch of oatmeal raisin cookies can provide) and I'm overspending on purchases for myself and the apartment. I rationalize that if I have to live alone, I might as well have a nice couch. Or, since I'm now single and feeling kind of down, I might as well get a cute pair of shoes to lift my spirits. All these new material things do help me feel better for a while, but at the end of the day, it's still a little sad and disorienting to be home — sitting on an expensive couch and wearing a great pair of shoes — alone.