I’ve been traversing the gray area with SNR for more than a month now, and though it’s been a lot of fun spending time with him, maintaining a rational amount of detachment has been difficult. The more time we spend together, the more comfortable we get and the deeper we fall back into the same patterns we had when we were officially dating. Last weekend, we spent a whole day together, went to see a play that his friend was in, and I stayed the night and we went out for breakfast in the morning. It felt great. And it felt stupid.
I find myself falling for him all over again, and it all feels so familiar. Only this time, there’s even more uncertainty and fewer guarantees. Every time we part ways, I wonder if it’ll be the last time I see him, and not knowing what he wants out of all of this is taking a toll on me. I had a series of anxiety dreams last weekend — the kind where you’re always running from things that are chasing you, etc. — and I’m certain that this is the reason.
I took the nightmares as a sign that it’s time to figure out what’s going on, so last night, after another full day together, I asked him if he had given any more thought to what he wants out of all this, if anything. His answer wasn’t as definitive as I had hoped. He said that he likes me a lot, and he feels even more comfortable with me now than when we were dating, but he still doesn’t know what he wants to do and he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision. I’m not sure what kind of revelation he’s waiting for, and the fact that he hasn’t had it by now doesn’t seem to bode well, but it’s hard to walk away without knowing for sure. I thought I would call it quits if he had this kind of wavering answer, but when it came down to it, I just wasn’t ready to let go.
I guess the question now is just how long do I wait for him to figure things out, and how do I keep myself from getting too emotionally involved in the meantime? It feels masochistic (again, familiar), but I want to stick it out a while longer. I told him about the dreams, though, and the fact that the uncertainty was wearing on me, and when we parted ways, he said he was sorry for causing all of it. I told him I could handle it for the short term. After all, “I run pretty fast in my dreams, so it's fine — for now.”
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
One step forward, two steps back
It’s been an interesting month and a half. I received a few more flirtatious emails from SNR over the holidays and into the new year, and eventually, I tired of wondering and just called him on it. I told him I had to assume nothing had changed on his end, so the obvious question was: What’s the endgame?
As expected, he admitted he missed me but said the mysterious “complications” were still there. He called his emails self-indulgent and apologized. It was a little frustrating to hear, but something about finally having a definitive answer in hand felt liberating. With the ambiguity cleared, I knew I could put him firmly in the friend zone and focus my efforts on meeting new people.
We casually kept in touch after that, and after another week or two of sporadic emails and brief online chats, he suggested we catch up in person. Now, I’m not completely naïve; I knew where that could lead, and I knew that going there would be a bad idea. Yet, the thought of seeing him again was too appealing to resist. Late one Saturday night, we got together and spent more than three hours catching up and exchanging stories. It was fun and easy and completely civil and platonic. That is, of course, until he mumbled something about lacking the necessary willpower, and kissed me. Then the admittedly bad idea suddenly seemed like a very good one.
We’ve seen each other a couple times since then, and navigating the gray area is tricky. I feel like if we were merely hooking up and then going our separate ways, I could compartmentalize that. I could figure out how to handle that. But, when we get together, we more or less do the same things we did when we were dating. We spent the entire day together this past Saturday; we went to lunch, walked around the promenade all afternoon, went to dinner, and then passed the remaining evening hours at his place. I have a feeling that if we continue this pattern of couple-like activity, it’s going to be challenging to keep my head in a realistic place.
I did ask him about what we’re doing once, and he said he’s trying to figure himself out. He implied he was trying to determine if he wanted to give official togetherness another shot, but the realist in me thinks this will ultimately turn out to be an “I missed hanging out with/sleeping with you but still don’t want to date” situation. I am astutely aware that engaging in a casual relationship with someone I have more-than-casual feelings for isn’t a great idea, but wise or not, I just want to see where this goes. Even if there’s another terrible ending in store, hopefully I’ll at least be able to enjoy the ride until we reach it.
As expected, he admitted he missed me but said the mysterious “complications” were still there. He called his emails self-indulgent and apologized. It was a little frustrating to hear, but something about finally having a definitive answer in hand felt liberating. With the ambiguity cleared, I knew I could put him firmly in the friend zone and focus my efforts on meeting new people.
We casually kept in touch after that, and after another week or two of sporadic emails and brief online chats, he suggested we catch up in person. Now, I’m not completely naïve; I knew where that could lead, and I knew that going there would be a bad idea. Yet, the thought of seeing him again was too appealing to resist. Late one Saturday night, we got together and spent more than three hours catching up and exchanging stories. It was fun and easy and completely civil and platonic. That is, of course, until he mumbled something about lacking the necessary willpower, and kissed me. Then the admittedly bad idea suddenly seemed like a very good one.
We’ve seen each other a couple times since then, and navigating the gray area is tricky. I feel like if we were merely hooking up and then going our separate ways, I could compartmentalize that. I could figure out how to handle that. But, when we get together, we more or less do the same things we did when we were dating. We spent the entire day together this past Saturday; we went to lunch, walked around the promenade all afternoon, went to dinner, and then passed the remaining evening hours at his place. I have a feeling that if we continue this pattern of couple-like activity, it’s going to be challenging to keep my head in a realistic place.
I did ask him about what we’re doing once, and he said he’s trying to figure himself out. He implied he was trying to determine if he wanted to give official togetherness another shot, but the realist in me thinks this will ultimately turn out to be an “I missed hanging out with/sleeping with you but still don’t want to date” situation. I am astutely aware that engaging in a casual relationship with someone I have more-than-casual feelings for isn’t a great idea, but wise or not, I just want to see where this goes. Even if there’s another terrible ending in store, hopefully I’ll at least be able to enjoy the ride until we reach it.
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