A friend invited me to my former company’s holiday party earlier this month, and of course my “not sure if I’ll ever be ready for marriage” ex was there. It felt a little strange to see him again for the first time in nine months, but the encounter was nothing special. He looked the same. He came over to say hello and we exchanged a few sentences of small talk. He said he’d catch up with me later in the evening but never did, and I didn’t particularly care one way or the other. It felt empowering to know that he didn’t have any effect on me. Funny how all it takes is a little time to go from being so close to someone to being virtual strangers.
Lately, I’ve been reminded of another recent stranger. Since I met Mr. Something’s-Not-Right on an online dating site that I still use, every once in a while the site will prominently display his picture and recommend him to me. “You might like ____!” Oh, technology. Thanks for the late update, but now you’re just being annoying.
Still, in spite of the occasional unwelcome recommendation, I eventually managed to push him out of my thoughts (or at least push him to the back of my mind). I’ve been chatting with some other people from the site, and though a discouraging number turn out to be completely uninteresting or unable to string a few coherent sentences together, others seem just the tiniest bit promising. I’m going to go grab coffee with one of these semi-promising people next week, though to be honest, I’m not particularly excited about it. I should be at least a little excited since it’s the first thing even resembling a date that I’ll have had since Mr. SNR, but instead of thinking about the possibilities, my mind has been wandering back to the past. I blame this on one thing: SNR emailed me about a week ago. It was a simple message; it just said that my last email to him (way back when we broke up) was heartbreakingly sweet and that this new reply of his was inappropriate, but … he still missed me. And he hoped I was doing well.
I was kind of touched at first. After all, doesn’t every recipient of the “it’s not you; it’s me” speech wonder if that other person ever thinks about them after the fact? My second thought, however, was that it was definitely unfair. Who breaks up with someone and then a month later sends an “I miss you” email? There should be rules against such things. An “I miss you, I made a horrible mistake and I want you back” email? Sure! But an “I miss you and that’s all I have to say (aka I miss you but still don’t want to date you)” email? Not OK. I do admit it got under my skin, though. In spite of my better judgment, I caved and sent him a quick reply to say I was fine, that as much as I shouldn’t admit it, I missed him too, and that I hoped he was doing well also. It was a pointless exchange. We reached out from our respective corners to make brief contact and then retreated back into silence. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever hear from him again, but the other part of me is insisting it doesn’t care.
