It's over -- again

It was touch and go with SNR these past couple weeks. We’ve both been really busy and he’s been traveling for work, so we hadn’t seen much of each other. Still, even when he was around, it seemed like he was contacting me less often than usual, and I took the post-gray-area-talk silence as a bad sign.

A couple days ago, in response to an email I sent him, he wrote back saying we needed to talk (the dreaded phrase). There wasn’t really any ambiguity about what kind of talk it would be, so I was upset and indulged in an evening of moping. But, after I got that out of my system, I didn’t feel the need to do it again. Perhaps because this turn of events isn’t exactly surprising, it hasn’t seemed as difficult this time around.

He called me this morning, and even though I was ready with a box of tissues on hand, I didn’t have to use them. The conversation wasn’t as sad as I was expecting. I mean, of course, the situation is depressing and, unfortunately, familiar, but talking things out with him made me feel significantly better. He told me he still feels like something isn’t quite right, but that he cares about me a lot, etc. We ended up talking on the phone for more than two hours, and not just about the mysterious something and the second demise of the relationship. We just chatted about life, tv shows, past relationships, and all kinds of other things that reminded me how much I enjoy talking to and just knowing him. Sometimes the hardest part about ending a relationship is losing the friendship you’ve formed with that person. I was thinking about that and lamenting that portion of the loss when he hesitantly asked, “So, do you think we could try to be friends?”

I didn't know what to say, and I debated what my answer should be for quite a while. Is it possible to be platonic friends with someone you used to sleep with? Can you retrain yourself to see someone in a different way? Will the friendship get awkward and fall apart when one person (or both) starts dating other people? The whole thing seems rife with challenges and sounds like such a slippery slope. I’ve never been friends with an ex and have no idea if I’m capable of it, but after wavering for a bit, I eventually told him we could at least try. This might be yet another bad idea, but I guess it’s something I can cross off the list of things I’ve never experienced. Just like how I can now cross off getting more or less dumped twice by the same guy. Yeah, I could have probably gone without achieving that one, but in spite of everything, I don’t regret it. Things happen, and life goes on. I feel ready for whatever comes next.

Familiar patterns and familiar problems

I’ve been traversing the gray area with SNR for more than a month now, and though it’s been a lot of fun spending time with him, maintaining a rational amount of detachment has been difficult. The more time we spend together, the more comfortable we get and the deeper we fall back into the same patterns we had when we were officially dating. Last weekend, we spent a whole day together, went to see a play that his friend was in, and I stayed the night and we went out for breakfast in the morning. It felt great. And it felt stupid.

I find myself falling for him all over again, and it all feels so familiar. Only this time, there’s even more uncertainty and fewer guarantees. Every time we part ways, I wonder if it’ll be the last time I see him, and not knowing what he wants out of all of this is taking a toll on me. I had a series of anxiety dreams last weekend — the kind where you’re always running from things that are chasing you, etc. — and I’m certain that this is the reason.

I took the nightmares as a sign that it’s time to figure out what’s going on, so last night, after another full day together, I asked him if he had given any more thought to what he wants out of all this, if anything. His answer wasn’t as definitive as I had hoped. He said that he likes me a lot, and he feels even more comfortable with me now than when we were dating, but he still doesn’t know what he wants to do and he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision. I’m not sure what kind of revelation he’s waiting for, and the fact that he hasn’t had it by now doesn’t seem to bode well, but it’s hard to walk away without knowing for sure. I thought I would call it quits if he had this kind of wavering answer, but when it came down to it, I just wasn’t ready to let go.

I guess the question now is just how long do I wait for him to figure things out, and how do I keep myself from getting too emotionally involved in the meantime? It feels masochistic (again, familiar), but I want to stick it out a while longer. I told him about the dreams, though, and the fact that the uncertainty was wearing on me, and when we parted ways, he said he was sorry for causing all of it. I told him I could handle it for the short term. After all, “I run pretty fast in my dreams, so it's fine — for now.”

One step forward, two steps back

It’s been an interesting month and a half. I received a few more flirtatious emails from SNR over the holidays and into the new year, and eventually, I tired of wondering and just called him on it. I told him I had to assume nothing had changed on his end, so the obvious question was: What’s the endgame?

As expected, he admitted he missed me but said the mysterious “complications” were still there. He called his emails self-indulgent and apologized. It was a little frustrating to hear, but something about finally having a definitive answer in hand felt liberating. With the ambiguity cleared, I knew I could put him firmly in the friend zone and focus my efforts on meeting new people.

We casually kept in touch after that, and after another week or two of sporadic emails and brief online chats, he suggested we catch up in person. Now, I’m not completely naïve; I knew where that could lead, and I knew that going there would be a bad idea. Yet, the thought of seeing him again was too appealing to resist. Late one Saturday night, we got together and spent more than three hours catching up and exchanging stories. It was fun and easy and completely civil and platonic. That is, of course, until he mumbled something about lacking the necessary willpower, and kissed me. Then the admittedly bad idea suddenly seemed like a very good one.

We’ve seen each other a couple times since then, and navigating the gray area is tricky. I feel like if we were merely hooking up and then going our separate ways, I could compartmentalize that. I could figure out how to handle that. But, when we get together, we more or less do the same things we did when we were dating. We spent the entire day together this past Saturday; we went to lunch, walked around the promenade all afternoon, went to dinner, and then passed the remaining evening hours at his place. I have a feeling that if we continue this pattern of couple-like activity, it’s going to be challenging to keep my head in a realistic place.

I did ask him about what we’re doing once, and he said he’s trying to figure himself out. He implied he was trying to determine if he wanted to give official togetherness another shot, but the realist in me thinks this will ultimately turn out to be an “I missed hanging out with/sleeping with you but still don’t want to date” situation. I am astutely aware that engaging in a casual relationship with someone I have more-than-casual feelings for isn’t a great idea, but wise or not, I just want to see where this goes. Even if there’s another terrible ending in store, hopefully I’ll at least be able to enjoy the ride until we reach it.