This sounds familiar

Yesterday, we spent another long day together. It had rained the night before, a night that he spent at my place, and the sun had come out to reveal one of those beautiful, fresh post-storm days. We went to brunch and walked along an outdoor promenade for most of the afternoon and spent a lot of time chatting and window shopping. He seemed happy and at ease. He wanted my opinion on things he was buying, he took my hand in his as we strolled along, and we laughed a lot and swapped all kinds of stories. Later, we spent more time at my apartment and went to dinner, and when he finally drove home after midnight, I realized I hadn’t even been tempted to ask him about the weird talk we had before his trip. Lynn would have been proud. Maybe it had only been a momentary freak-out after all.

Looking back, I have been careful to take things as they come. I’ve let him set the pace of our relationship, but he hasn’t seemed hesitant to push things along. He was the one who first suggested we not see other people, he always wanted me to stay the night at his place or to stay over at mine, and about a week before he left on his last trip, he even surprised me by suggesting we plan a weekend getaway sometime. The weird talk has been the only anomaly.

I spent most of today running errands. We were trading the occasional text message, as usual, and when I was checking out at the grocery store, I got one from him that mentioned he was feeling kind of down. I asked him what he was feeling down about and crossed my fingers that it had nothing to do with me. Then, on the way home, I finally got his reply. It said:

“I still feel weird about us. It’s the reason I’m sort of holding back/distant.”

I actually cursed out loud in my car when I read that, which, though uncharacteristic of me, felt like the appropriate response. I couldn’t believe it. Those words were just so frustrating the second time around. I asked him what was so weird, and he said though it was originally the immediate closeness we both felt, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, now he just feels like something’s not right. He can’t pin down what that “something” is.

I wasn’t happy about getting the exact same vague answer a month after the first one. I told him it would have been nice if he had brought all this up in person. I said all the hesitation on his part was making me feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I told him I hope he figures this out soon because if the “weird” feeling means he doesn’t think things will work out, I need to know sooner rather than later. And I said for what it’s worth, I like him a lot and think we have a good thing going, but I hope he can make up his mind about me.

He said he was trying to figure things out. He said he likes me, too, and thinks he’s lucky to have found me, but he’s also pretty confused. He said he’ll try not to drag things out but also doesn’t want to be stupid or rash.

I think it might be a little late to avoid the stupid part, but I could just be saying that because I’m still mad.

Holding my tongue

He came back last week.

I was nervous about what our reunion would be like. Would things be different? Was that "weird" talk meant to prepare me for another unpleasant revelation that he just hadn't put into words yet? Was I waiting for the other shoe to drop?

His flight came in late on a Sunday night, and even though I had to work the next morning, I was relieved when he wanted to see me right away. He came by my place around midnight, bearing gifts of candy and other sweets from his trip, and after falling into bed together, we stayed up half the night catching up and flipping through his photos before finally drifting off to sleep.

He wanted to see me again during the week, but I was unusually busy. I worked late one day and was going out with various friends for a few nights in a row, so we made plans for that Sunday. The day before, when I was out with Lynn, I caught her up on the situation. "Everything still seems perfectly normal. Am I supposed to pretend that conversation never happened? Should I ask him about it sometime?"

"Noooo. No way. If things seem great, then go with it. Don't ask him about that."

"Why not? I'm kind of in the 'let's just lay our cards on the table' camp."

"I don' t think that's a good idea. It could have just been a momentary freak-out. If he brings it up again, then you have a problem."

I was skeptical, but when another friend enthusiastically echoed Lynn's opinion, I relented.

That Sunday, he and I spent the day together, and by the end of the night, I was suddenly very aware of (and concerned about) how quickly I was falling for him. It seems dangerous to form a strong attachment to someone who has at least partially voiced some hesitation, but I've always jumped into relationships with both feet, and this has been no exception.

Though, as promised, I didn't ask about my new least-favorite word. At least, for now.

With great potential comes great … anxiety

The flip side of the blissful limitless-potential feeling that comes along with a new relationship is the maybe-this-isn't-going-to-work anxiety that crops up occasionally to warn you that things may indeed not last.

As much as I consciously know not to pin all my hopes on someone so early on, I couldn't help but do a little pinning (scotch-taping, perhaps?) since he and I have been getting along so well. It's almost strange how easily and quickly we've fallen into a comfortable couple mode, so when he dreamily mentioned that it seemed a little weird a couple weeks ago, I just smiled and agreed.

Then, when I saw him last, he mentioned it again. "I have kind of a weird feeling about us," he said. When I asked him what he meant, he couldn't quite pin it down. "I think part of it is that we feel really close but don't know each other very well yet." I could understand that, of course, as we've only been dating for about a month, but then he said something more concerning. "I feel like I've been holding back a little bit just in case the worst-case scenario happens and it's too weird."

Wait a minute. In my head I was doing a full stop and realizing that "weird" had suddenly become a very ominous and annoyingly vague word. Would he actually want us to stop seeing each other based on some indefinable feeling? His last serious relationship, a few years ago, ended badly, so I wondered if this was some recoil reaction to intimacy. I asked him to let me know if I could do anything to help him work that out, but since he was still pretty fuzzy on what he was trying to say, the conversation more or less ended there.

We went about the rest of the day as if nothing had happened and had another fun date (it sure didn't seem like he was holding back), but the word and its implications were never far from my mind. The next day, he left on a planned two-week trip overseas to visit a (female) friend, and that anxious feeling really reared its ugly head. (The timing of that serious conversation could have definitely been better.) I started having bad dreams … dreams that he was seeing someone else, dreams about being chased, dreams about a swarm of bees invading my apartment. My subconscious is apparently not happy. He's been emailing me periodically, which has helped, but there's still a week to go before he comes back. Until then, there will just be plenty of time to ponder the word "weird" and try to get a good night's sleep.