Awaiting a verdict

When the guy you’re dating announces (twice) that he really likes you but is more or less debating whether to flee, what’s the next step? Do you keep to your separate corners and put things on hold for however long it takes him to figure things out? Or do you continue spending time together, averting your eyes from the pink elephant in the room, while he thinks it through? I had a hard time coming up with an answer. The truth was I still wanted to see him, but would it even be possible to keep things the way they were, and to continue putting myself out there, knowing he may have one foot out the door? Of course, as my sister suggested, there was always a third option: Break up with him and walk away from the whole confused situation. -–I admitted that made a lot of sense, but I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

The worst part is that even though I know this problem likely has more to do with his baggage and issues than it does with me, I can’t help but feel a little inadequate. In moments of weakness, I wonder, Am I doing something wrong? Is the mysterious “something” that’s keeping him at arm’s length something that he thinks is wrong with me? It’s hard not to feel insecure when a guy you care about confesses he’s not all that sure about sticking around. Coming right after my “I’m not all that sure about marrying you” relationship, hearing that hasn't exactly done wonders for my ego. On my better days, however, I’m frustrated with him and think I deserve better, and I feel defiantly ambivalent about whatever’s going to happen. On one of those better days, I decided I could handle the inevitable awkwardness and would continue spending time with him, if he asked me to. Que sera sera.

For a while, I wasn’t even sure if he was going to ask to see me this weekend, but he texted me on Friday about getting together that evening, so I agreed. Seeing him in that first moment, for the first time after the second talk, was awkward. Surprisingly, kissing him again was not. Hearing him express regret over his “indecision” was awkward. Chatting over dinner was not. For me, the whole evening undulated between moments of normalcy and moments of trepidation. In spite of my attempts at a “come what may” attitude, I couldn’t help but also feel wary. I held back a story or two when we talked because I didn’t particularly feel like opening up to him anymore. When he asked me to stay the night, I declined. It suddenly seemed like a bad idea to let myself fall asleep in his arms.

We were supposed to get together for dinner tonight, as well, but he backed out at the last minute because he wasn’t feeling well. It wasn’t his fault, of course, but there’s nothing like getting sort of stood up on a Saturday night by a guy who may or may not want to continue seeing you (and realizing you feel worse about it than you probably should) to make you wonder what you’re doing. Sure, I care about him and want to give this the best shot I can, but sometimes I wonder if I’m being optimistic or masochistic. After all, though I don’t know what he’s going to decide, I can't help but think that the odds aren’t in my favor.