I’ve been traversing the gray area with SNR for more than a month now, and though it’s been a lot of fun spending time with him, maintaining a rational amount of detachment has been difficult. The more time we spend together, the more comfortable we get and the deeper we fall back into the same patterns we had when we were officially dating. Last weekend, we spent a whole day together, went to see a play that his friend was in, and I stayed the night and we went out for breakfast in the morning. It felt great. And it felt stupid.
I find myself falling for him all over again, and it all feels so familiar. Only this time, there’s even more uncertainty and fewer guarantees. Every time we part ways, I wonder if it’ll be the last time I see him, and not knowing what he wants out of all of this is taking a toll on me. I had a series of anxiety dreams last weekend — the kind where you’re always running from things that are chasing you, etc. — and I’m certain that this is the reason.
I took the nightmares as a sign that it’s time to figure out what’s going on, so last night, after another full day together, I asked him if he had given any more thought to what he wants out of all this, if anything. His answer wasn’t as definitive as I had hoped. He said that he likes me a lot, and he feels even more comfortable with me now than when we were dating, but he still doesn’t know what he wants to do and he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision. I’m not sure what kind of revelation he’s waiting for, and the fact that he hasn’t had it by now doesn’t seem to bode well, but it’s hard to walk away without knowing for sure. I thought I would call it quits if he had this kind of wavering answer, but when it came down to it, I just wasn’t ready to let go.
I guess the question now is just how long do I wait for him to figure things out, and how do I keep myself from getting too emotionally involved in the meantime? It feels masochistic (again, familiar), but I want to stick it out a while longer. I told him about the dreams, though, and the fact that the uncertainty was wearing on me, and when we parted ways, he said he was sorry for causing all of it. I told him I could handle it for the short term. After all, “I run pretty fast in my dreams, so it's fine — for now.”
Quite a few of m girlfriends have been going through this same scenario with men they are dating. I thought it was a NYC phenomenon but I guess it extends further.
ReplyDeleteI think part of the reason he's wavering is that he has no incentive to make a decision. He has you in his life, and he has all the power.
Of course this comment is 3 weeks late so perhaps your situation has changed. If it hasn't, I suggest walking away. I know it's hard, but he needs to make a decision. You have to let go for him to realize what he really wants. He's a guy: he won't decide anything unless he absolutely has to. A very sad but true fact.
Best of luck.