One step forward, two steps back

It’s been an interesting month and a half. I received a few more flirtatious emails from SNR over the holidays and into the new year, and eventually, I tired of wondering and just called him on it. I told him I had to assume nothing had changed on his end, so the obvious question was: What’s the endgame?

As expected, he admitted he missed me but said the mysterious “complications” were still there. He called his emails self-indulgent and apologized. It was a little frustrating to hear, but something about finally having a definitive answer in hand felt liberating. With the ambiguity cleared, I knew I could put him firmly in the friend zone and focus my efforts on meeting new people.

We casually kept in touch after that, and after another week or two of sporadic emails and brief online chats, he suggested we catch up in person. Now, I’m not completely naïve; I knew where that could lead, and I knew that going there would be a bad idea. Yet, the thought of seeing him again was too appealing to resist. Late one Saturday night, we got together and spent more than three hours catching up and exchanging stories. It was fun and easy and completely civil and platonic. That is, of course, until he mumbled something about lacking the necessary willpower, and kissed me. Then the admittedly bad idea suddenly seemed like a very good one.

We’ve seen each other a couple times since then, and navigating the gray area is tricky. I feel like if we were merely hooking up and then going our separate ways, I could compartmentalize that. I could figure out how to handle that. But, when we get together, we more or less do the same things we did when we were dating. We spent the entire day together this past Saturday; we went to lunch, walked around the promenade all afternoon, went to dinner, and then passed the remaining evening hours at his place. I have a feeling that if we continue this pattern of couple-like activity, it’s going to be challenging to keep my head in a realistic place.

I did ask him about what we’re doing once, and he said he’s trying to figure himself out. He implied he was trying to determine if he wanted to give official togetherness another shot, but the realist in me thinks this will ultimately turn out to be an “I missed hanging out with/sleeping with you but still don’t want to date” situation. I am astutely aware that engaging in a casual relationship with someone I have more-than-casual feelings for isn’t a great idea, but wise or not, I just want to see where this goes. Even if there’s another terrible ending in store, hopefully I’ll at least be able to enjoy the ride until we reach it.